Chapter Fourteen: Phantom of the Opera

The first day I met Shelly, we were talking about the classes we were taking and I mentioned a vocal class that I signed up for. She immediately began to tell me about how amazing she was at singing and that that was the one thing she was good at. She told me that if I ever needed any help that I should come to her.

 

Well, one night we were together with some friends to carve pumpkins. She had a crush on one of our friends and so she walked in there like this, completely ready to impress him:

 

She put her Phantom of the Opera CD in. At this point I had only really heard her sing in the bathroom, whether it was in the shower or during one of her sessions. So I had no idea what was really going to come out of her mouth. She really wanted to show off to him so she started to sing along and I immediately could not believe her statement from the first day. It was as if a ribbon got stuck in her throat so when she sang, it just flapped around in all directions. You know like those old ladies that sing in church?

Now it wasn't terrible, it was just that I would rather listen to the good singers on the CD. She thought she was doing fabulous. My roommates and I made eye contact with one another and immediately all knew what the other was thinking:

 Yikester bikester. She didn't stop! She sang about half the CD, especially the really, really high parts because "she could do those really well". Now whenever I see or hear Phantom of the Opera, I'm just like:

 

Chapter Thirteen: Halloween

It was Halloween and craziness was in the air. I woke up from my nap to see a devil cat staring at me. This wasn't just any devil cat, it was Shelly. Let me just give you a visual of her outfit. She had Darcy skip eating dinner to straighten her hair for her.  She wore a collar with a bell attached and black lipstick with heavy eye liner. Shelly wore a red shirt with black pants and she had these fluffy cat ears that were red on the inside. It reminded me of devil horns (hence the devil cat). She had fangs, a tail, and her fingernails were long enough to be claws. I'm pretty sure she even had fake eye lashes...let's just say it was a little over the top...

 

 

 

Well she decided she wanted to hand out candy to whoever came and knocked on the door. She even purchased this candy herself (so she was fully commited). After she put it all in a big bowl, Darcy and Evy announced they were going trick-or-treating. Shelly got a little jealous and decided she wanted candy too, even though she had a huge bowl full of it in her lap. So she got a plastic bag and wrote a note on it that explained the whole thing about how she was passing out candy. She even said that she was dressed as the Holy Ghost and that's why you couldn't see her. Witty right? In her mind she was like:

 

but in our minds:

 

So after the girls got back they gave her the plastic bag full of candy, but apparently there wasn't enough in there.Since she was complaining of so little candy, I explained to her that they did trick-or-treat on a college campus full of student that have no money. In my mind I was like, "Are you serious? YOU HAVE A BOWL FULL OF CANDY IN YOUR LAP. YOU HAVE A FOOT HOLDER FULL OF CANDY IN YOUR CLOSET. I WALK INTO YOUR ROOM AND SEE TWIZZLERS, M&MS, AND COTTON CANDY ON YOUR DESK AND YOU WANT MORE?! Girl please..."

 

 

 

 

Chapter Twelve: The Triple Threat

So far, we know that Shelly likes to skype and that she likes to walk around in her unmentionables. We also know that she takes an awfully long time on the john. But, what do you get if we put all three of these things together?! Awkward. You get awkward.

 

 

So one day, Evy, Darcy and I, were sitting on the couch doing our homework. We heard Shelly yell out to Darcy something about a power cord. We thought she was in her cave so Darcy went in there and she was no where to be found! We heard Shelly yell again and it was coming from the bathroom!

 

 

Darcy went up to the door and asked if she was okay. Shelly replied that she needed help with the power cord to her computer. While she was on the commode...

 

 

Shelly unlocked the door for her and Darcy squeezed in. Evy and I heard some chatting but couldn't make anything out. The door then opened and Darcy come out like this:

 

 

Darcy then proceeded to tell us that Shelly was in there, on the porcelain bowl. Skyping her ex. Not wearing a shirt. I had no idea that so much awkward could happen at one time.

Chapter Eleven: The Sink

There's always that silent (or spoken) rule that you clean up after yourself. You learn that as a child. I understand it's different when you're in your personal space like your room or desk, but when you share something like a kitchen or living room, it's just common courtesy to clean up after yourself. When you get to share even smaller spaces like the fridge or the sink, I feel like that's just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

One day, I walked in the door and it smelled kinda funky. I subconsciously I made a face like this:

 

 

At first I thought it was the toilet again...(we all know what happens in there) and then I thought, "Well maybe it's the devil's cologne..?" (the pumpkin spice air freshener for the bathroom...). It wasn't either of those things! I walked into the kitchen and it was just so ripe. I went over to the sink and there was the source. Half of the sink was full of nasty, dirty water with dishes floating in it, being "soaked" for their own good. I then saw they were Shelly's dishes. I tried to be cool, I counted to ten, did some breathing exercises, but eventually I just had to tell myself that if it wasn't cleaned up by the next day, I would need to confront her.

 

 

Of course, it wasn't cleaned up by the next day...in fact, it was worse. Shelly liked to make herself some good steak every Sunday and usually didn't finish it. She just threw the uneaten pieces into the sink, along with potato chunks or whatever she ate with it. Not even trying to put it down the disposal. It smelled horrific. Shelly then came waltzing into the kitchen and I casually asked her if those were her dishes still in the sink. She said they were and I asked when she was going to clean them. She simply replied "They're soaking." In my mind I relayed probably three or four ways I could've choaked her...

 

I told her it was starting to smell because of her left over food on the other side of the sink. She promptly went to the bathroom and grabbed the devil's cologne. It was like it happened in slow motion. She started spraying it all over the kitchen.

 

 I just had to run out of there. I honestly could not believe the smell could get worse. Then it did. You know that saying, "It can only get better from here." yeah, that didn't apply to this situation apparently. I just had to leave. I let some steam off at a friends place and returned some hours later to a surprisingly fixed kitchen. I'm pretty sure windows and doors were cracked to release the toxins. Nonetheless, life was good again.



Chapter Ten: Fridge Space

I know not everyone is super organized. Heck, in my room all my clothes are on the floor and there's papers all over the dresser. Our fridge wasn't very organized either. We didn't have much in there at first. We also had a very tiny freezer so we split it into four sections and we each got a corner. Well, at first it worked great! We would only get things if we could fit it in our corner but then, disaster struck.

 

Whenever we would go to the grocery store Shelly would tell us not to buy too much food because she needed space in the fridge too. FIRST of all, she already owned a good 65% of the fridge. SECOND of all, she started putting her freezer food on top of all of ours because she couldn't fit it in her corner anymore. THIRD of all, we love food just as much or even more than the next fellow. FOURTH of all, she had open bags of food all over the place. I found an angel food cake behind our living room table....and FIFTH of all:

 

 

So when she asked us to save her space in the fridge, you can imagine what went through our minds.

 

We never mentioned anything to her about it, we just kindly fixed where her food should properly be.

 (If it would fit...)

Chapter Nine: Clean dat Joint

Cleaning isn't that much of a science. You wipe stuff and you sweep stuff. It's not that hard. As long as it gets clean it doesn't matter.

 

 

The first incident I was cleaning my plate and there was cheese stuck to it so I was using the sponge on the scrubby side. Shelly walked in and decided that I was going to scratch my plate. She told me that I should never use that side of the sponge because it'll just scratch stuff up. I was over there just like:

So I switched the side of the sponge while she was there and then switched it back after she left.

 

Livin' life on the edge, I know...

 

The second incident was during finals week. I was using Clorox wipes and was on my hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor. She first told me I should spray the whole floor then wipe it up. 

 

That's basically just spreading around water then soaking it up. I was actually scrubbing the floor with something that would clean it.

 

 I was trying to clean everything I was supposed to before it was time for me to go back home to Texas. I got a lot done but I had to pack and I didn't want to say goodbye to my friends at all. I felt like I was running out of time. Shelly heard me venting and came out of the bathroom and said, "Maybe you should've started earlier, like me." I politely replied, "Well I've just been studying for finals and things." She replied, "So have I." I tensely said, "ok." and left it at that.

 

I couldn't take it anymore!!

 



Chapter Eight: Peek-a-Boo

I'm sure we've all been caught off guard at some point...sometimes we'll scream, blush or run away. In this case there is a note of warning left on the door.

 

On Friday's our curfew isn't until one instead of midnight all the other days. So me and my friends were hanging out at my place until curfew. We were chatting and laughing, apparently not being too loud.

(Now before I go further, I should just let you know that Shelly liked to walk around in her unmentionables...)

 

It was about twelve thirty and I see a head peek around the corner. It was Shelly.

 

 

Anyways, before she came all the way around the corner she yelled, "What are they still doing here?!" Without us even replying she answered her own question, "Oh, crap...it's Friday isn't it..." She then proceeded to go back to her room and put on pants to then use the restroom.That isn't all!

 

 

The next day, I came up to my front door and saw a note. It read the following, "No male or female is permitted to be in this apartment past midnight on any day, unless they are residents. If person is found here past that time, they will be charged with trespassing." True story.